PTSD is a Never Ending Challenge and when help arrives “Don’t Let Go”

I turned twenty-one in Vietnam. There was no cake with candles, no presents, no party, no happy birthday songs, but I remember the tracers from thousands of armed Marines lighting up the night from the 1st Marine Division’s perimeter, and that display of destructive, brutal power was not a celebration of me turning twenty-one. It was from combat.

When I returned from Vietnam in 1966, I had no idea I came back with a permanent illness that later in the 1980s became known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Combat vets aren’t the only victims of this disease. Rape victims, child abuse, domestic abuse of women, someone who grew up the target of lying, cruel bullies and trolls just like U.S. President Donald Trump (Trump is not the vicitm. He is the bully. He is the troll.), victims of muggings, survivors of accidents and brutal acts of nature.

Imagine my surprise when fifty-one years later, a twelve-year-old girl sang her way into my life through YouTube and offered me a lifesaver that helped me manage my PTSD better, and she probably will never know it.

PTSD is all about how our body reacts to fear.

From 1966 to 1982, I never talked about the combat, the snipers that almost took me out, our own troops firing on a patrol I was with on our way back to base camp, the mortar rounds that rained down on our tents, the improvised explosive devices (IEDs) and grenades that maimed and killed others in my company, the ambushes, the recon missions, the rocket attacks that left one Marine in my unit headless, and the regiment/division sized field operations.

I was a field radio operator and in the field, through that radio, I carried on my back, I passed on orders that killed hundreds of armed Vietcong. Marine Corps training is intense. When we leave boot camp we are different from the child that arrived.  When we leave, we are trained killing machines.

When I was honorably discharged from the Marines and went to college on the GI Bill, that PTSD I didn’t know I had was behind the heavy drinking. I often say that between 1966 and 1982, I drank enough hard liquor and beer to fill a swimming pool.

My first step on the road that led me out of the darkness of PTSD managing me was an accident. I was thirty-six and my health was falling apart from all the booze, beer and bad food. Someone I worked with was a vegan and her husband, raised a vegan, helped me get off the liquor and change my lifestyle. Once the booze was out of my system and I was eating better, the vivid flashbacks of combat lost some of the intensity that woke me at night drenched in sweat and ready to fight with an unsheathed, razor-sharp USMC KA-BAR that I kept under my pillow and a loaded 45-caliber automatic pistol in an easy to reach drawer.

I came to the conclusion that the booze and bad diet made the flashbacks worse so I stayed sober and stuck to the healthy vegan diet Greg and his wife helped me transition to.

Decades later, after I retired from teaching high school English and journalism, I discovered that the VA offered counseling to help combat vets manage their PTSD. I’m in a group now and most of my friends are combat vets who also work hard to manage their PTSD.

I’m seventy-two and a thirteen old girl I’ve never met and probably never will meet has helped my PTSD demons to take a few steps further back. By definition, this young woman is a child prodigy, and I wrote about What does it take to become a child prodigy? for one of my other blogs in an attempt to understand what was happening to me because of her and her songs.

When she was twelve, she won America’s Got Talent by singing songs she wrote. She was signed by Columbia Record and Simon Crowell to a record contract. Her first album has only five songs on it. Her next album, with more of her original music, will be out November 3. I already have a copy of her first album and have preordered the longer one.

Perfectly Imperfect, her first shorter album, reached #9 in the U.S. and #11 in Canada. This child prodigy’s name is Grace VanderWaal. Something about her and the songs she writes and sings is helping me manage my PTSD better, and I’ve been trying to understand what that is, and I think I’ve figured it out after watching her first almost hour-long concert a half dozen times. It’s the themes of her songs and her nonverbal language. Studies say that nonverbal language is 70-percent of communication. Her fans call that being genuine. Some critics and a friend of mine have called her an old soul. I think it is her nonverbal language that makes her genuine to some and/or an old soul to others.

I don’t think she is an old soul. Grace is unique because of a number of factors. One was the family environment she grew up in. Her mother, father, and I think especially her older sister, are a big part of who she is.  Genetics also plays a role in Grace being a child prodigy. Child prodigies are unique as I explained in What does it take to become a child prodigy? Another factor is that some of her songs are about bullies and in interviews, Grace has mentioned that she was a target of bullies in grade school. I was also a target of bullies when I was a child, and that is probably the reason I went into the Marines to make sure no one ever messed with me again.

In “Clay”, one of her original songs, she sings,

“Your silly words
I won’t live inside your world
Because your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don’t work
No they don’t hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me
I’m not clay”

In another original song, Gossip Girl, Grace touches on this topic again.

Grace is thirteen now and this month she went on her first concert tour starting with the Austin City Limits Music Festival. If the full concert is still available through Red Bull TV, you can access it through the next link. I tune in to this concert every evening because her songs and her performance help me sleep better. I think that is because of the combination of her genuine joy at performing for a huge crowd of fans that love her and the themes of her songs.

Austin City Limits Music Festival
Red Bull TV told me this video is only available for a limited time. If you click the link, I hope it’s still there.  Red Bull TV said they aren’t allowed to sell a DVD of this concert, so I sent an e-mail in an attempt to reach Simon Cowell and see if his record label will offer it on DVD soon.

Grace’s next video is a song called “Escape My Mind”, and Grace performed it live in Austin for the first time.

“Escape My Mind” is another original song, and I understand what Grace means because I can’t escape my mind either, but Grace is helping me to at least escape the PTSD demons tattooed in my mind for a few hours while I’m sleeping and that is a first. I hope it keeps working. I think the joy Grace feels while she sings and receives the love of her fans is the reason for whatever is happening to me, and I hope she never loses that genuine joy for her music and life as her career grows. If she manages to keep hold of that unique genuineness, I’ll continue to be her fan, but thanks to my PTSD, I’ll probably never attend one of her concerts, because crowds are a trigger for my PTSD, and I work hard to avoid those triggers. That’s why I want to buy a DVD of Grace’s first concert.

The Grace in this concert, and all of her previous performances is still the genuine thing, and that helps me feel better about life. It’s all about escaping the demons even if it is only for a few hours at a time. Like I said in the title of this post, if help arrives, “Don’t Let Go!”


Lloyd Lofthouse is a former U.S. Marine, Vietnam Veteran, retired public school teacher, journalist, and award-winning author.Where to Buy

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8 thoughts on “PTSD is a Never Ending Challenge and when help arrives “Don’t Let Go”

  1. Lloyd, I too was a Marine, Vietnam 66/67 and while I didn’t live all that you lived, I lived enough to never forget. PTSD doesn’t go away, we, hopefully, learn the triggers and avoid and control. I can’t do crowds either. Back in the early days it was called PVS, Post Vietnam Syndrome and the only help was Vets helping Vets. Like Agent Orange, the VA denied, denied, denied. Hell we didn’t even know what was wrong.

    I do know the violent dreams, the loaded pistol or pistols etc. kept within reach. I’ve had to tell my Thai wife to never jump on me while I’m sleeping. I still come up swinging. Lao mia noi doesn’t leave me long enough to do that, another story, Lao.

    A quick story for you. Some years back down in Sin City, Pattaya, I woke rather early and We Were Soldiers was starting on the TV, it was new then. I had read the book, took some time though, and thought I could watch. I had to get up and get a beer, didn’t really help and I finally broke down. The lady I was with woke, and although far too young to know anything about the American War in SE Asia, she took me in her arms and held me softly saying “it’s over now, it’s ok” over and over again in such a comforting way. I’ve never forgotten her and hope she found somebody good.

    I’ve lived in Thailand and never returned since May 2010. Times change, we adapt, but we never really change. I’ve never been back to Vietnam.

    • Thank you for your comment.

      My first wife got up one night for a glass of water in the kitchen when I was sleeping. That was back in the 1970s. When she returned, I was in the middle of a full-blown battlefield flashback and she walked through the realistic images I was seeing. I thought she was one of them coming for me and I leaped off the bed with my K-Bar, slammed her against the wall and held the blade against her throat. She calmly talked me down, I relaxed, left the flashback behind, and we went back to bed. She never brought it up, but the marriage ended anyway years later for other reasons that had nothing to do with the flashbacks.

      Although the booze influenced anger that arises out of PTSD may have had an influence in that marriage ending. We argued a lot and my temper was an active volcano when I was drinking. She was also a drinker and probably still is. I think she also had/has PTSD but from being sexually molested by an uncle when she was a child.

      Without the influence of the booze, my temper has been dormant for decades and the most it does is simmer a bit.

  2. As I read your post, tears were coming out of my eyes. What you wrote is truly from your heart. I too was bullied a lot as a child. When I think of the incidents, it still hurts to this day. I was never a soldier but my dad was. He was a medic and told me in great detail what he felt, saw and did. I went with him as a child to the VA because he had a service connected disability. Considering the unfeeling psycho that became president, it hurts me everyday. He represents those kids that taunted me as a child and that is why I hate him so much. I guess I sound depressed because unfortunately I have been home for 5 weeks. I had some complications with cataract surgery and tomorrow they are doing my other eye. Hopefully, I will be able to see clearly again. I can read without my glasses for the first time in the eye that was done. As a result, I have been listening to too much news and it depresses me more. However, your article and her music made me feel better the night before my surgery. Thanks.

    • You’re welcome. Good luck for your other eye’s surgery. I’m glad Grace’s music helped you feel better. I listen to her every day after I finish my daily writing goals. If I didn’t have those writing goals written down to check off every day, I’d get nothing done because I’d be listening to Grace sing.

      There is another child prodigy worth listening to, but she doesn’t write her own songs. Angelina Jordan has been singing Jazz since she was one-and-a-half years old. I suspect she might be slightly autistic but very bright and talented. Angelina is from Norway, and she won Norway’s Got Talent when she was 8. She is 11 now.

      I also avoid reading too much news and I don’t watch TV news at all. Grace’s talent is sinking Trump’s hate deep underwater … at least for me. Grace is a constant reminder of who we are fighting for to defeat the corrupt corporate reformers of public education.

  3. Grace’s ACL concert is available on YouTube on Sam Borgman yt channel, not red bull version, but fan YouTube bootleg of concert. One song on her new album is so emotional she doesn’t perform it in public Darkness Keeps Chasing Me, IMO THE most powerful song on the album, on CD available from most retailers and spotify. She wrote the song.

    • Thank you. I know. Since Red Bull’s version went down, I’ve been watching that one. In fact, watched it last night. Lost count how many times I’ve watched that concert. Not even bothering to keep count.

      I’ve read interviews and reviews in the New York Times, Rolling Stone and from a publication for the Grammies. I also watched several interviews.

  4. hi, wonderful story! But u r not alone, G’s been helping – and still helps – lots of pl. If u r interested in more testimonies u can contact me on FB Justin Nadall. Another thing: the ACL concerts. If u want to download them just follow these links. Videos:
    and mp3s:
    Enjoy and thx for ur testimony.
    Justin Nadall.

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